life, as we see it

Over a year and a half ago, I remember wrestling with God about having to grown up. I was ending my college career in another 2 semesters, I was having to make plans for over in my future, and I was beginning to have to face reality as I SAW IT TO BE. I told God that I wasn’t very interested in growing up but rather that I would like to be 7 years old instead. He asked me why. “Because at 7 my parents woke me up every morning, told me what I would be doing that day, made sure I got there, and provided everything I needed as far as food and clothing etc. At the end of the day I could go back home and go to sleep without a worry of what would happen the next day. I knew that they would be there again in the morning to give me direction and provision.” To that, He responded by asking me the question, “Why can’t you be 7?” “Because I am 20.” “Why can’t you be 7?” “I told you, because I am 20.” “Heather, why won’t you be 7? Why won’t you wake up every morning and listen for me to tell you what you will be doing each day? Why won’t trust that I will supply all your needs? Why won’t you go to bed at night know that everything is going to be ok and that you will wake up the next morning and I will have everything under control?” To that, I thought “….oh.” In that moment I recognized that I was operating out of fear- doubt- lack of trust. With these responses, I was saying that what God said time and time again throughout the Bible about taking care, proving, and guiding was not true. I was calling God a liar! I decided to become 7.
I feel like I have hit a growth spurt. Since I have been here there have been SO MANY things that God has been teaching me about. Anything from not being concern about money, Hearing His word and taking action in it, Allowing God to pursue me… oh and there are more. But, the one that I think is the biggest one thus far has been the one I learned today.
In the book Bravehearts by Sharon A. Hersh, the author makes this statement, “God longs to tear down perfectionism in our lives so that HE might be the covering.” At the time I initially read this, I really didn’t think too much about it. I wrote it in my journal and then returned to it today as I was looking over a few things I had written. It was then that it hit me. Perfectionism is not only having to make sure every fork is completely straight on the napkin next to the dinner plate or turning in all your homework on time and receiving good grades. Perfectionism includes anything thing that I try to make myself or others do, be, or fit into being. It is setting a standard that can’t be met because we are human and not God. I realized that I have come to a place where I try to make myself and other fit into the mold that I think others look for. In the words of my journal entry,
“One thing I know about myself is that I like things to be the way they “should” be if they can be- until now, I didn’t recognize that as perfectionism. …It’s all selfish really and I realize that it is all based in fear. I like to be able to control the way people feel about me and the way that they look at me. But, what God is telling me now is be yourself, let others be themselves and I WILL DO FOR YOU.”
Now, I choose to not walk in fear anymore, but instead trust that God is in control. In this growth spurt I would like to think that I am no longer now 21 year old Heather, but rather 20 ¾ year old Heather and becoming more and more childlike daily.
-Heather